A while into the visiting, after both the baby and Hank had their needs addressed, Matt came into the front room from the kitchen with a napkin. The napkin held up what looked like a tiny claud of dirt, about the height of a quarter and the appearance of a chewed-up tootsie roll.
"Do you know how this got on the middle of the kitchen floor?" He asked, looking at me with a slight suggestion of hysteria in his voice.
"What is it?" I answered his question with a question, I'm good at that.
"It's poop." We all stared at Hank. He was the obvious answer.
"Hank," I decided a direct approach was best, "did you poop on Grandma's floor?"
"No." said Hank, and I have to tell you, the kid is usually pretty honest. When he poops his pants at home, he tells me. So I was inclined to believe him.
"Did you poop your pants?" I asked him again, this time I checked his underwear while I asked. Clean. Not even the hint of a skidmark. I turned back to Matt.
"Are you sure it's poop?" I asked him, getting confused. Maybe it really was a tootsie roll, I didn't know. Matt carefully opened the napkin that he had folded the lump into. Hesitantly, disdainfully, he sniffed the air.
"It's poop." He coughed, with a surly scowl sent my way.
We examined the situation. Clearly Hank was not in the kitchen by himself long enough to pull his pants down, drop the "tootsie," pull his pants up (all while not leaving a mark in his undies), pick up his sweet sucker (which he would have had to set down), and return to the front room looking like nothing had happened. He didn't have the time for one, he doesn't have the control for two.
"Could it have come in from outside on someone's shoe?" I questioned. Matt carefully squeezed in order to gauge the probability by the viscosity of the, uh, turd.
"It's. too. fresh." Matt whispered, looking like a beaten man, again sending a look my way.
"Maybe it's not Hank's..." I was totally baffled. My Mom sent a suspicious look toward my Dad.
"You are accusing me of pooping my pants?!?" My Father retorted back incredulously, obviously offended.
"Well, you are the one who says you're getting too old to trust a fart..." She said, then trailed off, perhaps realizing the gravity of thing she was accusing her husband of over 40 years of.
"Well, maybe it fell out of Hank's shorts?" She offered an alternate theory. Hmm. Could be. I mean he was wearing loose shorts, and his itty bitty buttocks doesn't quite fill up his Tow-Mater undies....but how do we explain there being no trace of it in the undies? And no urge to finish the job (pun intended)?
The debate went on all afternoon. The question still remains. Obviously it had to have come from Hank...but how? And when? And did it really come from him? I took him to the bathroom right before the incident and there were no tell-tale signs of an impending, ahem, job. I guess it will forever remain an enigma. I feel like I am on an episode of "The X-Files," only instead of aliens, a mysterious turd is being investigated. I wish that old show, "Unsolved Mysteries" with Robert Stack was still on. I'm sure they would take the case. Then we could set up a hotline and anonymous tipsters could call in with their theories. And how about you? Iiif you (said like Robert Stack from "Unsolved Mysteries") have the link in this puzzle, please step forward. Do you know who left the turd in the middle of my mother's kitchen? Do you have any equally heartwarming and lovely pottytraining stories (because this story is nothing if not heartwarming and lovely)? Let's hear it!
Hmmm. Come to think of it, he doesn't look quite so innocent, does he?
Hmmm. Come to think of it, he doesn't look quite so innocent, does he?
11 comments:
oh, my gosh! i'm totally dying laughing! i want to know where it came form when you find out!
You will never find the source of the turd. We have had many incidences of myterious things cropping up, including turds. My children's usual culprit is "daddy did it", so I'm not sure if you actually questioned Matt or not. It does seem awfully convenient that he found it, didn't mind squeezing it, was fairly quick to cast aspersions on Grandpa and Hank....seems mighty fishy!! For example, it was recently Daddy who snuck into Maren's bed while she slept and drew all over her legs with orange magic marker. It was Daddy who filled the kayak with sand while it was hanging under the deck. It was Daddy who dropped huckleberry jam on the carpet while watching George-the-monkey and didn't even try to clean it up.
Junst sayin'- I think Daddy did it.
When I was in Miss Johnson's English class at South Bonneville in 9th grade, the same thing happened. There was a mysterious human poop on the floor- does that really happen in 9th grade??? Poor Hank always getting the blame!
when i was little we blamed all mysteries in our house on a man named gobey. i was sure he had died by now but it sounds like not only is he alive and well, but staying at your parent's house! tell him i said hi, would you?
ps. my verification word is "pissed". what does this all mean?
What I would give to be a fly on the wall at your home. You always give me a great laugh.
I'm with your sister on this one. As the saying goes, the smeller's the feller. Although, this circumstance would require a new saying. The scooper's the pooper?
Or... it sound very similar to a prank John pulled once involving a very realistic facsimile made out of brownie. Matt didn't happen to take a bit, did he?
that was meant to be "bite".
The dog/cat/bird/fish perhaps?
Two lines into this and I was laughing so hard I was crying. It didn't help that Ryan was asleep next to me and I was trying desperately not to make any noise to wake him up. I worked at a daycare in highschool. One little boy had a #1 accident in front of me. I was impressed with the ability for it to shoot straight out and not get anything except the floor. No wet shorts, panties, socks, nothing. So knowing this it leads me to believe that it is quite possible it just slid out making a clean break!!!
Oh how this reminds me of when we were young girls playing at your house in the basement with probably barbies, when Andy yelled out "Carol did you poop all over the bathroom!??" sure enough there were traces of poop all over the basement bathroom and toilet. I remember it being blamed on the dog. Then I remember Andy saying "really like a dog is going to get up on the toilet" all while acting out what that would look like. To me, it is still a mystery. There sure are a lot of poop mysteries in that Mortimer household!!!... Maybe there is a phantom pooper there lives there. Have you ever thought of that?
k. you guys are hilarious. amy, i can't believe ryan! what a skamp. and janet! what a dirty trick john played on you! hilarious.
oh and sid, i totally remember that incident and i mainain my innocence. when i die and go to heaven, that will be one of the first things i want to know!!!
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